My bedtime has been completely screwed up..like upside down.

The moment I am awake, the whole world is dead asleep. And the time when I am asleep, everyone is busy with their thang..

zzz...

As I write this entry, I’m acutely aware that I’m not sure of much of anything. I was lost for a moment after learning that a friend of mine took his own life by hanging himself. And contrarily, I have learnt that over the recent months, there are many achieved tremendously in life.

I questioned myself quite a lot lately. Questioning myself about life and what exactly have I achieved. I know, it sounded kind of stupid to be wondering all these when I am only a student. And there shouldn't be more to worry about since the sole responsibility of a student is just to get done with his studies, get that piece of fucking paper and then, shove it under piles of old papers followed by whatever it comes next.

"Do I know who I am?" That is a question that kept echoing back and forth in mind, and I am sure that many still ask the same question even when they are in their late 60s.

"Do I know what I see when I look at myself?" Do I know what I am, does it matter to me? Do I just get play a little part in this world and get going along from day to day?" I wake up, shower, get dressed, coffee, classes, studies and then full on drinking during the weekends. STOP.

Seriously...who the fuck am I actually?

Having to know that the peers around me are achieving more and more these days makes me feel lagging behind. Even for a couple of them who are college drop-outs turned out to be more successful that anyone could possibly imagined. Questions of how, what, when and why strucked me instantly.

I do not deny that seeing the success of others drives me harder to achieve what I want. The envious feeling made me thought of the path which I have chosen and ended up feeling like an arse. I put the blame on the times when I was just hopeless with temptations, and the fact that I could not refrain myself from procrastinating, leaving my main objectives to auto-pilot that crashes into oblivion numerous times while I was enjoying all the fun. Imprudence is just built in me! So basically what im saying is that I agree with the saying "Whatever you have done, made who you are today. Therefore, make your choices wisely". Afterall, how many MORE mistakes can one afford?

I don’t know how people are actually coping these days but the beginning of this year has seriously knocked the wind out of me. I’ve clung to that compass—yet I’ve been left without any noticeable improvements. I wouldn't mind telling that I was supposed to graduate last year, and hmm, yet I still see myself flipping over the pages of my textbooks because—— the gradual accumulation of fuck-ups . What I do have is lots of unused professional aptitude, an abundance of skills to do. I don’t even remember what, it’s been so long know what exactly feels like in a general sense of uselessness, but over the years of unpleasant experiences, I do now! This was not the plan I assure you.

The present situation has cultivated deep feelings of despair despite my best efforts to remain positive and ever diligent for any opportunity that might land my way. For my trouble, I’ve tried numerous ways of changing. And I thought its working. Apparently, I am wrong, again. Clearly, the strategy was not working.

Again, how many fuck-ups can I afford?

Tagged: E-M-O

Oh hello you. It's been awhile since I last logged in too, abandoning this blog to fall into the state of neglect and...urm, empty. Well, I am hitting on my keys again. 

In between the period of my disappearance, there have been a couple of things which I have been striving to make it work--> A change of lifestyle. Yes.

Flying back and forth to melbourne every fortnightly helped me alot while I was going through some devastating moments, well, at the same time I thought I could use a new scene after being stranded in Adelaide for awhile. It was definately a comfort zone for me, and I never knew that I love Melbourne that much too. However, after some time...someone's dilemma made me come to aware that I was actually too much of a chicken to exert my own fears/problems. I thank that person endlessly- Meng. Spending some time with him was definately therapeutic.

"Having to bring myself to a higher standard than most could not possibly imagine". That is, my new line.

I must admit, having to get one's shit together is no easy feat. Regardless, when there's a will, there's always a way. And gladly, I have noticed the changes too and I could not be happier. During the process of what somewhat "change of lifestyle", (not to the fact that I was having a minor mid life crisis, heck.. I am still way beyond my reach to the darkest period) I tried a couple of "proper" alternatives.

It all started with my sleeping hours. Dozing off at 9-10 at night, and waking up during the wee hours, around 3-4 in the morning. Kick start my day by working out a little and guess what? Finally, I had my hands on those da-dumb-bells, followed by breakfast, read the news and then my revision. This whole dramatic change made me felt good, and not to mention that I did attend most of my classes too, but on the other hand, it made me realizes that I am gradually drifting away from my friends too. It was not all witty I must say. Hence, the decision to move on to another phase which I am currently situated!

Burying myself with work and studies during the weekdays, dining out with someone at least twice a week and PARTAY during the weekends. This new phase got a little messed up during the start, but after allowing some time for the "adjustments", it is now fully under control. Probably most of the people of my age has done it like a million light years ago, and they would probably think that I am making a big deal out of it, but...SCREW U to those who did think so. I am just proud that I have somewhat managed to grow up.. finally. I would think that i am starting to see my shit ain't scattered all over now.

I have picked up a couple of things while going through this new phase of life.

1. It is okay to be having meals alone even if you are dining out.
2. It is okay to go shop for groceries alone even if you suck at making a choices. Eg to get an apple or an orange.
3. It is okay to be singing your lungs out even if you have people around you. SHARE it. (But please, KNOW YOUR LYRICS)
4. It is okay to be watching DVDs at home alone even if it is a film of romance.
5. It is okay to go on a solitary train ride. 

And so I have abandoned my previous page to start all over again, it's likely that I will be writting about the same content, nonetheless this time, I will try to minimize the ruthless expressions on my blog, in other words, (same place, same spot, but different shit :p )

Oh yes, I chose to blog anonymously. As I am protecting myself and my blog from hate comments. I reckon it's a subtle thing to do, as I would say that getting less attention from the public means less people putting ideas into me.


Personally, I do not hold any grudges against most who criticize me, it's too much of a burden to be carried, and not to mention, why should I hold dissatisfaction of others in my account?

It feels good to be writting again after taking a couple of weeks off. During the day offs, I was hit with numerous thoughts, somehow it got me figured of what can be done to write better. Well, first off, I have a really shallow knowledge on vacabulary. My writings are weak, my sentence are incomprehensible, and my lines are often left hanging without an end point...so pls bear with me!

"Love considers all sides and embraces differences, 
Differences that complete a relationship in love,
Sometimes is felt as a sharp thorn on a delicate rose..."

-gf-